Rebuilding After Betrayal: Vanessa Cardenas on Healing & Creating a Second Act | #231

*Book a free strategy call to discuss your business or second act idea with Shannon here.

What do you do when your life shatters on a park bench in Central Park?

In this powerful episode of the Second Act Success Podcast, host Shannon Russell sits down with Vanessa Cardenas, a C-suite healthcare executive, relationship reset expert, and founder of Understanding Ear, to talk about how one devastating betrayal became the catalyst for her second act.

After her husband of over two decades said the words, “I’ve met someone,” Vanessa’s world collapsed. In this raw and inspiring conversation, she shares how she navigated betrayal trauma, confronted the “nasty chick” inner critic in her head, rebuilt her marriage, and turned her pain into purpose by launching a business helping others heal.

If you’ve ever felt lost in your relationship, stuck in fear, or unsure how to reclaim your power after a life-altering event, this episode will remind you that your story isn’t over — you get to write the next chapter.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How Vanessa went from devastated wife to betrayal recovery specialist and business owner
• Why betrayal can impact generations—and how she chose to break the cycle
• How she manages being a C-suite executive and running a purpose-driven business on the side
• The turning point that helped her decide to rebuild her marriage instead of walking away

Whether you’re healing from betrayal, navigating a relationship reset, or standing at the crossroads of your own second act, Vanessa’s story is a masterclass in resilience, self-trust, and choosing your destiny instead of letting fear choose it for you.

*Get the full show notes here!

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Transcript

Second Act Success Podcast

Season 1 - Rebuilding After Betrayal: Vanessa Cardenas on Conquering Fear, Healing, and Creating a Second Act | #231

Episode - #231

Host: Shannon Russell

Guest: Vanessa Cardenas

Transcription (*created by Descript and may not be perfectly accurate) 

[00:00:00] 

Vanessa Cardenas: For far too long I was everything to everyone else and I lost myself in everything.  I now have a business. I am making a difference in people's lives and in turn, they're making a difference in my life.

They're showing me that what I went through as devastating as it was, it moved me in a direction that I am so grateful for. 'cause I now control my destiny. And I am not controlled by fear. 'cause fear is what hides behind all your excuses. And if you can conquer the fear, ah, the sky's the limit.

You can do anything. You really can. 

Speaker: Are you ready to quit your nine to five job and start a business of your own? Well, you're in the right place, my friend. Welcome to the second Act Success podcast. I am your host Shannon Russell, and my mission is to help you produce your best [00:01:00] life. This podcast will teach you how to get from where you are now to where you want to be and how to build a business that fits your life and lights you up.

Let's get started.

 Shannon Russell: Welcome to the second Act Success podcast. I'm your host Shannon Russell, and today on the show I'm chatting with my friend Vanessa Cardenas. 

Vanessa is a C-suite executive in the healthcare field 

and she is the founder of Understanding Ear, where she works as a betrayal recovery specialist. Vanessa has so much to offer for people who have gone through betrayal and are dealing with trauma, she is here to share her second ex success story along with speaking on stages, writing a book, and so much more. let's dive in. Vanessa Cardena, I'm so happy to have you here. I've been waiting to get you on the podcast. How are you? 

Vanessa Cardenas: I am fabulous. Oh, it has been such an [00:02:00] amazing ride and I'm so grateful to you. I, you and I attended an event that just wasn't quite what either one of us expected, but the highlight of it was the fact that we met and we had such an amazing conversation.

That first conversation where it was like, this is the reason. That I was meant to be here and we just hit it off from that moment on. And we have been following each other on the socials and sending emails back and forth, trying to get our schedules to line up so that we could have this conversation for your audience because, uh, the energy that you and I both have and how passionate and how committed we are to what we do to help others.

Through their challenges. Ah. Oh, I know your audience is in for a ride. 

 Shannon Russell: They are. And you and I already talked for about an hour or so before this, so we can talk for a while. let's Get into all the good stuff 'cause you have so much [00:03:00] to share. But where did your career first begin? 

Vanessa Cardenas: My career first began in a family owned company.

Not my family, but a family owned company. And that, that has a lot of different nuances to it. Then subsequently 15 years later, 'cause I'm a loyalist to a fault, I subsequently lost my job. After 15 years, and granted I was still young and I was in my thirties, but it still hit me like a tidal wave. I had to go out there, I had to have a resume, and I had to network and show myself and everything else, and that was really challenging for me.

But I landed a job in a healthcare company. Again, another family owned company. And I progressed through the ranks. I became the only C-Suite executive that wasn't part of the family. And over 20 years later, I'm still here. And I enjoy the opportunity to make a difference in people's lives, especially related to [00:04:00] healthcare.

But more importantly than that, I discovered something that I've always had as a child that I never really realized was. My superpower, but what I'm really good at was the art of listening coaching and of being a sounding board and an understanding ear to others. And it wasn't until I'm in the position that I'm in now that I actually realized, wow, like I make a difference in people's lives in a different capacity.

Just by listening, by having that opportunity to do so. It's been an amazing ride. It absolutely has and and I like women in leadership roles. I'm gonna say it. I absolutely am. I think that there needs to be women in leadership roles, and that's one of the reasons why I am sort of hanging on very tightly to my position because I.

I [00:05:00] have an inkling that if I leave. A gentleman would take my position. Mm-hmm. And I'm not quite comfortable with that because I clawed my way to the position that I have and I've held onto it rightfully so, because I am good at my job. But if I retire, 'cause I'm kind of getting close to that age, I. I do believe that a, a gentleman will take my position.

So what I've been doing kind of on the side, but it's, it's well known now, but there are three other women within my company that have those leadership qualities that I admire. And I see it, I see the passion that they have and I want them, one of the three of them, and there's no competition between the three of them.

They know that I'm going to recommend all three to the board, and the board can decide. But I want them to be ready. I want them to be ready to step into my shoes, into my heels, into my Doc Martens, and have that opportunity [00:06:00] for them. I'm excited about those possibilities. 'cause I do think as women, we need to cultivate the younger generation, especially other women, and let them know, hey, it's possible.

Anything's possible when you put your mind to it and my mindset on this, 

 Shannon Russell: and you're such a great example, I love that you're mentoring them and you're also holding UNT tight like you said, because you did start another business and you wrote a book and you have this other thing going on, so you could easily leave, but you're not, you are staying put.

You're enjoying the company that you're at, but you're able to grow this business on the side. And I think that's just another example of. Starting a business and being a second act woman doing that. And I wanna dive into where the idea to create your business came from. Mm.

Vanessa Cardenas: it, it, it's, it. There's a big story behind it. It, it's, in my particular case, it was a devastating event. Mm-hmm. My [00:07:00] husband of over two decades, I had known him for three decades, sat me down on a park bench in Central Park and said three words to me that I never thought he would say, I've met someone.

My whole world shattered in an instant. I fell apart. The only place that I was quote myself was at my office. Otherwise, I was crying in my car. I was crying in the shower. I was crying in my bedroom. I was a mess. Not for nothing. I'm a smart woman. I have a psychology degree. I could fix him. I could fix me.

I could fix our relationship. No problem. Yeah, it doesn't work that way. It like so, doesn't work that way. And I, for too long, for far too long, I didn't get the help I desperately needed and we desperately needed. And I finally relented and I found an amazing [00:08:00] support group. An amazing support group.

Amazing mentor. Um, we lost her during COVID. 

 Shannon Russell: Oh, I'm sorry. But 

Vanessa Cardenas: she, she was amazing and she pulled me aside one day and she said to me, Vanessa, you're being selfish. I took such offense to that. I was like, what are you talking about? I have coffee with everybody else. I'm on speed dial for everyone else. I'm the unofficial ambassador for this program, for this group and and whatnot, and you're calling me selfish.

She says, you're only helping 11 other people. You really need to get out there. You need to write a book. Book, I'm gonna share the fact that I was betrayed by my husband, my that, my love, who I, my beloved, who I loved more than anything else. Are you serious? It was her. It was her that encouraged me. She gave me that necessary shove.

I needed to get my story [00:09:00] out Well. Prompted me to write my book. Well, , you write a book and you start to get that feedback from people and people wanting to connect with you. Yeah. Okay. You know, I'll be happy to meet with you and, and before I knew it, I was involved again. This great mentor encouraged me to get further education and said, listen, I'm gonna sponsor you.

I'm gonna recommend you for a certification. Related to betrayal. So I became a betrayal recovery specialist teaching, um, under the guidance of several different mentors, which was great, great experience for me. Not only did it help me heal, but it helped me be able to communicate with others and let them know they're not alone.

And that prompted me to start my business, which is understanding ear. Based on a Stephen King quote from a wonderful book. Yep. Stephen King. Uh, he starts off, uh, different [00:10:00] seasons, which is a short story book, and one of the short stories starts with a rather long quote. I've condensed it, but mm-hmm.

The hardest things to say are the most important things to say. Not for the want of a teller, but for the want of an understanding ear. And I had carried that quote around with me for decades 'cause I loved it. And when my business mentor said, listen, we need a URL. For you. I was like, understanding here, like I immediately jumped all over it.

That's, that's what I want. I didn't realize, 'cause you and I both know that when you start a business and you go down that route, you make a lot of mistakes. You do. You live and learn. You have to, you have to, you have to scrape your knees and get up and, and keep going. Well, you know, I, I scraped my knees by having an understanding ear, which I held so dear to my heart.

I didn't realize that I would be confused with. An audiologist? [00:11:00] 

 Shannon Russell: Yes. Oh, I didn't think about that 

Vanessa Cardenas: either. Yes. So yeah, I needed to associate my name with it. And again, I was, I was a little cautious about throwing my name out there, you know, 'cause I still had children, you know, younger children and you know, colleagues.

Nobody at my office, nobody at my company knew. About the betrayal. I mean, I kept that very close to the chest. I didn't want to share that. A little hard to do. So when you've written a book. Yeah, very, very true. Exactly. So there I am, I'm out there on all the socials and, uh, YouTube and everything else, and so much so that, uh, in April, I spoke on at Oxford University.

I shared my story and my story goes back to childhood. It does, 'cause I had micro betrayals throughout my whole life that stacked. And then of course, this big catastrophic betrayal from my husband, open Pandora's box. [00:12:00] And I can say now, in hindsight, I can say now in hindsight, um, I'm grateful. I'm actually grateful because it was the necessary shove that I needed.

To move in a different direction because for far too long I was everything to everyone else and I lost myself in everything. And I now have a business. And I don't even call it a side hustle. I don't, I don't view it that way. It is a business. I am making a difference in people's lives and in turn, they're making a difference in my life.

They're showing me that what I went through as devastating as it was, it moved me in a direction that I am so grateful for. 'cause I now control my destiny. And I am not controlled by [00:13:00] fear. 'cause fear is what hides behind all your excuses. Yes. Mm-hmm. And if you can conquer the fear, ah, the sky's the limit.

You can do anything. You really can. And one of the things I talked about on that Oxford stage and the Oxford Podcast, subsequent podcast was how we have so much doubt and doubt is actually our inner critic that just speaks to us so horrifically and beats us down. And a lot of it is cloaked in fear.

And if we can move beyond the fear, if we can label it, we can actually put a label on it. You know, name the fear of exactly what it is. We can deal with it when it's, when it's in the shadows. Very loud. I, I think of it like a gremlin holding a flashlight. The gremlin itself is really [00:14:00] small, but in that corner, when it holds the flashlight just a certain way and cast that shadow on the wall, it's menacing.

It's so big, you don't feel like you can handle it. Mm-hmm. But if you look at it closely, it's this small. It's really this small, and you're allowing fear to control you. So move past the fear. Well, how do you move past fear? You know that that's always the question. And again, you can get all the wisdom and knowledge from everywhere.

You can read every single book. You can search the internet, Google, ai, everything else, and it can tell you what to do. But unless you implement it, and unless you have an accountability buddy encouraging you, moving you forward and saying, Hey. What do you do? What have you done this week and, and making you accountable to yourself?

It's, it's not gonna happen. It's just not, and that's why [00:15:00] it does take a village. It does take an extra person to believe in you. And that's what I had. I had this, as I said, this amazing mentor and five years, five years she's been. She's been gone physically, but she's always with me. She's always with me every time I get a review.

I thank her because she was the one that said, you have to be out there every time I get booked on a podcast. I thank her for that 'cause Without her, I would not be here. Without the betrayal, I wouldn't be here. And right here right now is so amazing. It's so glorious. I love who I am

my thirties were rough. I don't know about yours, but my thirties were rough. My forties were rough. You know, my fifties glorious. You're absolutely right. It's my second act and I. Love it. And [00:16:00] I, I wanna share it with everyone. I want everybody to know. Turn that page, turn that next page. The next page is blank.

You get to write it and don't let fear write it for you. No, you write it. You write what you wanna do, and you get to experience that and stay in that joy. And in my particular case, I have. I'll call it the luxury of I'm still working. I didn't lose my job, because a lot of times your second act comes from a loss.

In my particular case, it was loss of. My marriage, though I am still married. It's that first section of my marriage. 'cause even though I've been married 34 years, there's a little asterisk there. It means, you know, hold on, there's more to the story. You know, there was a section of time that was really rocky and very challenging, but we made it through, 

 Shannon Russell: you can talk to, with [00:17:00] your clients, with people who need to feel healed like you were. You can talk about what you went through. So when you talk about an accountability buddy, it really is having that coach, that person who has walked the walk and been there, and you can talk about what happened to you if you choose to with your clients.

And we chose to. Make it through to the other end and still be together, or you can talk to 'em about the other options that maybe you weighed having you as someone who has been there and come out the other side, the happiest, she's been in a really long time. Is the accountability partner that you need When you are going through a similar situation and you're feeling like all hope is lost and you're feeling that fear that you mentioned, you can either choose to stay stuck in it or find someone to help you get to the other side by holding your hand.

Vanessa Cardenas: that's exactly it. It, it's, it's so true. And you do the same. You do exactly the same. Because when we [00:18:00] go through events and we have the opportunity to have the second act, oh, it can be so successful. And you can look back on the first act and go, yeah, that served its purpose. It did. Exactly. But now, now I'm involved in the second act.

I don't need to keep looking back at the past. I can stay present. Right here, right now, and I can look forward and have things to look forward to, and you control that. You absolutely do. 

 Shannon Russell: You're right, and we all have a second act opportunity. It's just a matter if we're going to see it through or if we're gonna just stay stuck where we are.

And I think we can talk about that with betrayal. We can talk about it with losing a job or starting a business. You come to that fork in the road, in the road and you decide, do I want to continue down the same path that I'm on that doesn't feel aligned with who I am, or do I want to step into that second act and create something [00:19:00] new?

That brings me into my full purpose and feeling fulfilled. And that is a choice that we all have no matter what. 

Vanessa Cardenas: And that's the beauty of it, is choice is having choice and allowing yourself to recognize that you have choice. I hear all too often this, this, uh, certain language that is used always, always, or never, or I have no choice.

Hmm. Hmm. When you say those three often, you really start to believe it. And I'm here to tell you it's not true and it really isn't. You have control and if you can move past the fear, 'cause the fear is hiding behind what you're, what you're expressing. Yeah. If you can label it, as I said, if you can label that fear, you can conquer that fear.

What it takes is not only your own resilience and standing on your own feet, [00:20:00] but it is an army of support and it might not be who you expect to be that army. You might expect friends and family to stand around you and support you, and sometimes they, they don't do what we want them to do. Oftentimes they don't do what we want them to do.

Sometimes they ghost us. Not intentionally, but they ghost us because they don't want, they, they don't wanna infringe or they don't want whatever you have to get on them, you know, kind of thing. Yeah. Uh, or they smother you. And you know, the smothering can be like a straight jacket and it's like, okay, you gotta gimme time to breathe, you know, back off a little bit and whatnot.

And then of course they say all the wrong kind of things all the time. And I almost want a cheat sheet that when we go through a catastrophic event, we hand them, this is how you help me. Mm-hmm. And, and li list all the things that you need. And that's why [00:21:00] communication is so important to be able to speak and say what you need and how you need, and what you're going through and how you're feeling to those that can support you.

Sometimes that support needs to be professional. As I said, I waited way too long, way too long. I thought I was much smarter and everything, and I could just handle it and it would be fine and everything else. No, no. I needed professional help. I needed to hear it from someone else that I wasn't alone, that my feelings were valid, and I just needed to be able to

step in front of my fear, 'cause that's what it was. And I resisted, oh, I'm not afraid. I'm not, I'm, I'm strong enough. No, I was so fearful. I didn't even recognize it until someone pointed it out. And that's what we need. We need that other person, that other sounding [00:22:00] board to let us know we're 

 Shannon Russell: gonna be okay.

Fear is paralyzing. 'cause it does, it paralyzes you and you can stay in that spot for a really long time. And I wonder where you would be, and I don't want to think about it too much, but where you would be if you didn't get that help and you didn't have that group of support, who knows?

I mean, you definitely wouldn't have a business. You wouldn't have a client that you can help. You wouldn't be writing books and speaking on stages to help other people heal. But you would probably be in a very dark place years later. 

Vanessa Cardenas: Without a doubt. 

 Shannon Russell: Mm-hmm. And 

Vanessa Cardenas: I wouldn't be married. 

 Shannon Russell: Right. 

Vanessa Cardenas: I know that I wouldn't be married.

I would, it would've been destructive to my family for generations. Yeah. Generations. It affects generations., I mean, look, Look at ourselves. I mean, myself, I, I, I was born to terrified teenage parents. They, they were not equipped to have a child. Not at all. Am I grateful I'm here? Of course. [00:23:00] But, you know, throughout my childhood, I had a very different experience, uh, than I do now.

But I know that generational ripple effect that, and for me, I couldn't even fathom doing that to my children. Having that ripple continue, it needed to stop with me. And it was another reason. It was another reason for rebuilding my relationship. Again, in my particular case, and again, every relationship is unique and different, but in my particular case, I knew that I had to, I would have a new relationship.

I would, whether I stayed married or had a new relationship, I would have a new relationship. So if I was gonna have a new relationship, I kind of wanted to have a new relationship with my husband. 

 Shannon Russell: Yes. That's a great way to think of it. 

Vanessa Cardenas: Absolutely. I, I knew I would have to still do the same work. 'cause you have the same, you have the same work when [00:24:00] you're rebuilding as well.

You go through those wonderful stages. Uh, even the first stage, which I refer to as the zero date. Someone brilliant, brilliant on YouTube with a TED Talk many years ago did, and she's from New York, so she's got that grit that you and I have as well. Mm-hmm. But she did the zero date and how you do the zero date and.

It's lost now because we have social media and we have the swiping, but the zero date is just making eye contact with somebody, you know, in a coffee shop, seeing them at a party, seeing them at a gathering, wherever it is, and you make that eye contact. And in that instant, you know, hey, that's somebody I need to talk to.

And what happens? They come over and. Hey, that's the initial conversation and you have these little itty tidbits and then you exchange phone numbers and you know, if you do the customary three days, wait, three days kind of thing, or a call right [00:25:00] away and whatnot, and you have, you have that, then you have that first date.

Mm-hmm. The problem now is we don't have that zero date. You're right. We jump right into the first date, and that's why the first date is so awkward because we don't have that zero date to start with, so 

 Shannon Russell: Well, I think it's great that you were able to heal, save your marriage, and then go on to write your book and start your business and still have your corporate job.

You're really doing all of the things that I, you know, encourage my listeners or my clients to. If you have that paycheck, keep working and start your business on the side. And I think it's wonderful that you have this business not on the side necessarily, like we said earlier. But it's a business that's running simultaneously with your corporate C-suite level job, and that's incredible.

You're, you're wearing a lot of hats. You're going out there speaking on stages, trying to help others, and I [00:26:00] want to ask you, because I was lucky enough to watch your Oxford talk and see you speak in person at an event in Washington, DC where we met, but I have to ask you about the nasty chick. Because you talk about this inner critic that we have, and I think a lot of listeners will be able to resonate with her.

Vanessa Cardenas: Mm, yes. Nasty chick. I've had her for as long as I can remember, and she, she appeared for me in kindergarten and she just took off from there and she beat me down. And, you know, as a child, I thought she was there to protect me. I really did. I, I saw her as a companion. Anytime I was alone or lonely there she was to remind me, oh, you can't do that.

No, you shouldn't do that. No, don't do that. And she kept me small. She really did. But at the same time, it really advanced my career [00:27:00] because I learned to listen, because she was always telling me to stay quiet. Don't speak up, don't say anything, you know, just, just, nobody cares what you have to say. That's the worst one.

Uh, absolutely is the worst one. So I perfected the art of listening and just like, uh, Dale Carnegie in, in the Seven Habits where he talks about the fact that he was at this cocktail party and everybody thought he was such a great conversationalist. Meanwhile, he said nothing. He let them talk about themselves, you know, because that's what most people like to do.

They like to talk about themselves. Very interesting. And I took on that philosophy just more so, not because of his book, but because my inner critic was telling me, shut up, don't say anything. Don't give anything away. Don't, they're gonna swipe your idea. They're gonna, all of it. All of it. Just constant, the constant beaten down.

Mm-hmm. But it was great for my career. Absolutely. Great for my career. [00:28:00] Especially as a woman in a family owned business, as well as more of a male dominated business. Right. You know, and yeah, so she, she was, she was harsh and she would hibernate every once in a while. She would, she would settle down and, and I'd go about my business and whatnot.

But that day in Central Park, when my husband said those three words to me, oh, she came out guns blazing. I was blamed for it all. She, no matter what, my husband said, you know, it has nothing to do. It's not you, it's me, blah, blah, blah. She was screaming in my ear, it's all your fault. You did this. You weren't good enough.

You, you didn't do this. You did too much of that. Everything, I mean, just on a relentless loop. Mm. So much so that I really needed to tap that down. And every once in a while, she'll, she'll rear her ugly head. She will. And it's, it's interesting because as I mentioned, she hibernates and [00:29:00] I had to learn techniques to tap her down and I did.

And standing on my own two feet and being resilient and, and telling her enough. Right. I don't need you right now. Mm-hmm. I, I don't need that. And it allowed my intuition and my gut that were destroyed to come forward and be like, Hey, hi. You know? 'cause we do have all three. Yeah. But sometimes our nasty chick, our inner critic, will bully the other two into submission and we don't hear them anymore.

So suddenly. I got to revisit. I get to, you know, have a reunion with my gut and my wonderful intuition, which I absolutely love. And as I said, every once in a while she'll, she'll rear her early head and she did. For Oxford Talks, which was very surprising to me because I, I had my speech all set, and if you've ever done a TED Talk or something along those lines, you, you do need to [00:30:00] practice.

Mm-hmm. You need to choose your words carefully because you have a set timeframe to be able to work in, and you wanna make sure that every single word lands the way it should. Mm-hmm. So I am all good now with asking for help. Yeah, absolutely. I got, I got a little bit of professional help, just somebody who could guide me through, make sure that my words hit where they were supposed to.

So I got a speech coach, great, wonderful, and whatnot, and I had all, you know, all the papers in front of me and I was all set and, you know, starting to memorize it and whatnot. And she said to me, I want you to turn the pages over. I don't want you to look at it. Go Tell me your speech. She goes, don't worry about the words.

Just speak. Yeah, let it, let it rip. And I stood there. I didn't even know the first word. And there she came to me like a thunderbolt. She came out, yeah, you can't do this. You're not supposed to share your story, you're, you're [00:31:00] not good enough. Don't even think about being on that stage. And I, I was so overwhelmed with emo.

She had been quiet for years and suddenly she was right there and I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on. And I had to pause. I had to take that moment and that break and to feel it, because what it was was fear. Yeah. I was afraid you were vulnerable at that time. Exactly, exactly. And I, I didn't recognize it beforehand.

Yeah, but going through it, Ooh. Yeah. Yeah, that was, that was an amazing experience. So when I stood on that stage at Oxford University and said those first three words, it was so liberating for me and such an amazing experience. That stage, and that was in April and my every single cell in my [00:32:00] body is still dancing.

And I am so ridiculously proud and grateful that my words, my experience, what I went through, all those micro betrayals, that devastating betrayal can make a difference in somebody else's life. That my. That my being tested became my testimonial, that my mess in my message and the messy middle and everything else, I get to make a difference in somebody else's life.

Like my mentor made a difference in my life, and for that I'm ridiculously. 

 Shannon Russell: , Congratulations on all of the views and the success of that talk. It's incredible. I'm so proud of you, and, and it just goes to show that the nasty chick that we all have inside of our heads can be tamed or tapped down, like you said.

And it's just the fact that she comes out at those vulnerable moments, [00:33:00] those moments where we are second guessing ourselves. And so for listeners who are thinking about starting a second act, whatever it is. In their relationships, in their business, in their work, in their lives, and they have a nasty chicken side of their heads.

What advice would you give to them on how they can tap her down and move forward to really step into who they should be? 

Vanessa Cardenas: Recognize her for who she is. That's the first thing. Recognize her for who she is. I know that you're trying to protect me, but I don't need you right now. Yeah, I said that mantra over and over and over, and over and over again.

To the point where she started to get quiet. the other technique that I used was to recognize myself. To see myself exactly as who I am and to, for me it was, I'm very much pen to paper, very much pen to paper. So I had a win journal. I still have one. Absolutely good. It's probably my eighth journal now, but I write down [00:34:00] every single win, every single win I have, I write it down and.

Anytime I have that little bit of hesitation, that little bit of Mm, maybe, mm, I read my wind journal, I open it up on any page and I read about the wins, wins that I forgot about because we do, we do forget about these things and it could be a little win, you know, it, or it could be a, a big win, whatever it is, but wins so that you remind yourself of who you are.

So that you can tap down that inner critic and when she starts, oh, you're not good enough, really? Mm, here's my book. Here it is. I did this on this date and I did that on that date, and all these things and the wins are your wins. Whatever gives you a sense of pride. Whatever warms your heart and and fills you with joy.

It could be somebody else's win that you got to experience. Oh, I [00:35:00] was there when they won the championship. Oh my God, you were there. You were actually there. That's a win. 'cause there are so many other people that only got to see it on tv. You got to feel that energy. That's a win. Whatever those wins are, that very first client that you have, that very first payment that you have, that very first invoice that you have, the very first book review you have the very first time you open the box of books and you see your name.

Written by. Yeah, that's a win. And take those wins and enjoy those wins. Savor those wins. Marinate in those wins so that when that inner critic, because she will come up, she can be loud, she can be, you know, very mute. Mute or she can be very loud. But when she appears, you know it. You absolutely know it.

'cause you hear the voice in your head. It's not your own. It's totally not your [00:36:00] own. You can crack open that book and read through it and, and get that sense of pride, get that sense of who you are and that'll instantly tap her down. 'cause she can't dispute that. Those are your wins. They're in black and white.

You have written them down pen to paper. You've written them down. They're your handwriting. You see it, it's yours. You own it. 

 Shannon Russell: Yeah. That's amazing. Amazing. Beautifully said, and it's true. I think when you look at those wins, and you can do the same as looking back at your first act and everything you've accomplished before, you're going to make this new transition and say, wow, I've done a lot.

I've won a lot. And I can use that as the inspiration and the confidence to leap into that second act because you can do it. You have done. Things in the past that have been successful and now you're just trying something new and taking all of that energy with you. So wow, what fantastic advice Vanessa.

That is amazing. And [00:37:00] like again, can be applied to any second act, any transition. you Are just in such a wonderful place. I can see you glowing through the screen here and wow, thank you so much. 'cause this is a very vulnerable story for you to share with us and. To see you on the other side of it is really empowering.

Vanessa Cardenas: Hmm. 

 Shannon Russell: Thank you. Yeah, thank you. 

Vanessa Cardenas: if I could be so bold, you've gotta share a little bit of your story. I, I love your story. Your story had such an impact on me. You spoke on that Washington DC stage for, what, 12 minutes?

Yeah, probably. Yeah. And it was so memorable, your story, and, , I'm sure that you've shared it on your podcast before, but I would, I would be incredibly honored. If you would share it again, because in my mind I hear it a certain way and it, it warms my heart and I would love for you to say it again. Would you mind?

 Shannon Russell: Yeah, no, of course. And you know what? Because our situations are [00:38:00] different yet similar right there, it's that moment where you say, okay, everything from the past has changed and this is my new normal. What am I going to do with it? And that was, that moment I shared during that talk was being eight months pregnant in New York City, about to interview Taylor Swift and finally realizing, you know what, I'm gonna miss dinner and, and bath time with my 3-year-old.

So I made a game time decision to. Leave her not go see Taylor and interview her for my show and run through the Times Square subway station in my heels with my big belly to get on that bus and go back to the suburbs to be with my son. And in that moment was when I realized I don't need to. See these celebrities.

I don't need to continue this work and miss these moments with my kids. So that was my moment that said, let me produce my own life. Let me try to see how I can use my skills in a different way. You know, that led me to my book and my businesses and speaking in all of this [00:39:00] wonderful stuff. I feel like I'm just as happy on this side as you are.

And you the same. It's like you had this moment where it could have made you or broke you, or you could have ignored it and just kept going, but you said, no, I'm gonna lean into this and not only am I going to lean into this betrayal, but I'm going to get through it. Save my marriage, write a book to help other people start a business to help other people.

Like you went so many levels beyond Vanessa and, and so, yeah. So thank you for, getting something out of my story, but absolutely I had the same feeling with yours and then getting to hear your story in full with your Oxford Talk, uh, which I will link to in the show notes as well for people to watch.

and then just to have you, you know, really dive into your whole past here has been so wonderful. 

Vanessa Cardenas: Well, thank you so much for the opportunity to do so. I know that this isn't going to be our only conversation. No, absolutely not. Not at all. Not at all. And And that's the beauty of.[00:40:00] 

When you are on the other side and you enjoy what you do because it allows you the opportunity to meet the most amazing people that you wouldn't have met otherwise. Yeah, because like attracts like, it just does. Yeah. 

 Shannon Russell: And you're open, right? We're both open to new opportunities because it's nice on this side.

It's nice to be in charge and and enjoy the life that you're living. And we, I know you, both of us want that. For everyone listening and sharing in this time with us today. And, and I wanna make sure before we say our goodbyes, where can everyone connect with you?

Vanessa Cardenas: Hmm. It's definitely my URL, which is understanding ear.com, and you can find me in all the socials under Vanessa Cardenas. You'll, you'll find me if you add a relationship reset expert to your search. You'll definitely get me and only me if you put the word relationship after my name, Vanessa Cardenas relationship in Google search, [00:41:00] you can absolutely find me. And, uh, I look forward to connecting.

 Shannon Russell: Thank you so much. I'm gonna link to everything in the show notes, and I'm sure we'll have many more conversations here on the podcast and of course, in real life. But thank you again, Vanessa, so much for being here. 

Vanessa Cardenas: Thank you.

Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us. I hope you found some gems of inspiration and some takeaways to help you on your path to second act, success. To view show notes from this episode, visit second act success.co. Before you go, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss a single episode. Reviews only take a few moments and they really do mean so much.

Thank you again for listening. I'm Shannon Russell. And this is second act success.